EMDR for Parental Favoritism: Treating Developmental Trauma We Often Miss 

Guest Blog Post by Dr. Antonio D’Costa

Many therapists encounter clients with anxiety, depression, and relationship struggles without recognizing the underlying cause: developmental trauma from parental favoritism. This is not a “big T” trauma that fits neatly into EMDR treatment protocols. There’s no discrete event, no abuse that meets diagnostic criteria, and often no family dysfunction that rises to the level of neglect. Yet the impact on a child’s developing nervous system is profound, and it creates a domino effect that follows them for years, sometimes decades. 

Observations in pediatric clinical practice

In pediatric practice, parents typically bring their children for mental health concerns only after symptoms become severe. A 12-year-old presents because she demonstrates oppositional behavior, causing problems at school, or fighting with siblings constantly. The parents are frustrated. The child is labeled difficult, rebellious, and attention-seeking. The underlying attachment dynamics often remain unrecognized. 

Parental favoritism exists on a spectrum. Here, we define it as a consistent pattern, perceived or real, where a child experiences significantly less emotional attunement and validation than a sibling, creating a chronic climate of unmet attachment needs. At one end, there’s overt favoritism – parents who openly prefer one child, make unfavorable comparisons, or provide clearly differential treatment. This is easier to spot, though it still goes underreported and undertreated. 

More insidious is the favoritism that exists within what we consider “normal” family functioning. Consider what happens with attention distribution: when a first child is born, they receive 100 percent of parental attention. When a second child arrives, that attention drops to approximately 50 percent. A third child reduces it to roughly 33 percent. While this mathematical reality is inevitable in growing families, the firstborn child experiences it as sudden abandonment. Their nervous system developed within a context of undivided attention; suddenly, they are competing for the primary resource necessary for their survival: parental connection. 

Research confirms what clinicians observe in practice. Studies on sibling relationships and differential parental treatment show that perceived favoritism, whether intentional or not, significantly impacts children’s mental health outcomes, including increased rates of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and attachment disorders (Jensen et al., 2022). The Adverse Childhood Experiences framework demonstrates how developmental adversity creates lasting neurobiological changes that manifest as mental health disorders later in life (Felitti et al., 1998). 

A case that illustrates the pattern

A 12-year-old girl was brought to the clinic by her mother, who described her as self-absorbed and constantly causing problems. She fought with her siblings, got in trouble at school for aggressive behavior toward a classmate, and seemed to create conflict wherever she went. 

Family history revealed the pattern: this girl had been the center of her parents’ world until age three, when her brother was born. She perceived a sudden and dramatic shift in her parents’ attention and affection toward the new baby. When she was seven, a second sibling arrived, and her perceived slice of parental warmth and patience dwindled further. This wasn’t merely divided attention; to her, it felt like a clear demotion in status – a form of favoritism shown to the younger children.  

But it was not only about divided attention. The mother, overwhelmed by three children, began expecting the oldest to “act like an adult.” If the housekeeper didn’t come, the 12-year-old was suddenly expected to help with household tasks that weren’t age-appropriate – classic parentification, while her younger siblings were not held to the same standards. The father was not as active in parenting, so the burden fell disproportionately on this child. 

When her pet died, an event that profoundly affected her, the parents dismissed her grief and simply bought a new pet, assuming that solved the problem. They did not realize they were sending the message that her emotional needs mattered less than her siblings’ need for a calm household. 

The “problem behaviors” the parents described were actually attachment-seeking behaviors. She wasn’t self-absorbed, she was trying desperately to be noticed by her mother. Creating fights between siblings got attention. Acting out at school got attention. Even negative attention felt better than being invisible. 

The importance of addressing family dynamics 

What strikes many clinicians about treating developmental trauma from favoritism is the domino effect it creates. The perceived or real inequity in parental attention and validation creates an initial attachment wound. This disruption cascades into behavioral problems, which strain family relationships further, often reinforcing the child’s belief that they are less favored. This, in turn, worsens the trauma response, and the cycle perpetuates. Breaking that cycle requires stabilizing the family system – specifically, addressing the relational imbalances, before EMDR therapy can work effectively. 

In the case above, treatment began with three to four sessions of family psychoeducation. The parents needed to understand how their attention patterns and expectations were being experienced as favoritism and creating attachment insecurity. The mother needed to see that her daughter’s behavior was not manipulation; it was a nervous system response to feeling less important and unfairly treated compared to her siblings. 

Counseling with the child continued alongside family work. She learned to journal her emotions and understand how her reactive behaviors were affecting everyone, including herself. Compromises were reached: the parents committed to structured, individual time with each child to directly counteract the dynamic of perceived neglect, age-appropriate expectations were established to rectify the parentification she experienced, and the emotional dismissiveness stopped. 

Only after the home environment showed consistent, equitable engagement did EMDR processing begin. Three to four EMDR reprocessing sessions targeted the maladaptively stored memories: the moments when she felt displaced; the times her needs were dismissed while a sibling’s were prioritized; the formative experiences that created beliefs like “I’m not important” and “I have to fight to be seen.” 

EMDR therapy brought about rapid and profound changes. The shift happened both intellectually and neurologically. The child no longer carried those beliefs in her body. The behavioral symptoms decreased significantly. The fighting stopped. The aggression at school was resolved. Most importantly, she could ask for what she needed without the hypervigilance and reactivity that previously characterized her attachment style. 

Understanding parental favoritism through the AIP model

The Adaptive Information Processing model that underlies EMDR therapy provides a framework for understanding how developmental trauma from favoritism becomes stored maladaptively (Shapiro, 2018). Unlike discrete traumatic events, favoritism represents chronic relational trauma occurring during critical periods of nervous system and attachment development. 

When children experience favoritism, through sudden attention dilution, differential treatment, or parentification, their developing brains attempt to make meaning of the experience. Without the cognitive capacity to understand complex family dynamics, children personalize it: “Something is wrong with me,” “I’m not important,” “I have to be perfect to be loved,” or “My needs don’t matter.” 

These negative cognitions, paired with the emotional and somatic experiences of favoritism, become encoded in memory networks. Because the trauma is developmental rather than discrete, these networks get activated repeatedly throughout childhood, strengthening maladaptive patterns and creating generalized responses to situations involving attention, comparison, or hierarchical relationships. 

The result is an adult whose current difficulties in relationships, self-worth, and emotional regulation are connected to early experiences that remain unprocessed in memory networks. Traditional talk therapy may help these individuals understand the connection intellectually, but understanding does not resolve the maladaptively stored memories that continue driving present-day symptoms. 

EMDR framework for working with favoritism 

 Target identification must account for the chronic, relational nature of the trauma rather than discrete incidents. Useful targets include: 

  • The first time the client felt displaced or less important than a sibling
  • Specific memories of differential treatment or comparison
  • Moments of parentification when adult responsibilities were assigned
  • Times when needs were minimized while siblings’needs were prioritized
  • Formative experiences that generated core negative cognitions about self-worth

When treating children still living in homes where favoritism occurs, EMDR must be paired with parental psychoeducation and systemic intervention. This represents a critical treatment component. The trauma programming in the child’s nervous system needs both memory reprocessing and environmental change. 

Special attention must be paid to the attachment relationship between therapist and client. Individuals with favoritism-related trauma often demonstrate heightened sensitivity to the therapist’s attention, perceived judgment, or comparison to other clients. Establishing safety and maintaining a consistent therapeutic presence becomes particularly important. 

What EMDR therapists can do

EMDR therapists must expand assessment beyond discrete traumatic events to include developmental trauma from family dynamics. When clients present with anxiety, depression, attachment difficulties, or relationship problems without a clear “big T” trauma history, explore early family experiences: 

  • Birth order and sibling relationships
  • How attention patterns changed over time
  • Comparison or competition dynamics within the family
  • Whether responsibilities assigned were age-appropriate
  • Whether the person felt consistently seen, valued, and prioritized

The question isn’t whether childhood was traumatic by external standards. The question is whether developmental experiences were overwhelming to the child’s capacity at the time and created maladaptive patterns that persist today. 

Resources on EMDR with children as well as attachment-focused EMDR, can be found in the EMDRIA library. EMDRIA members can learn more with the EMDR International Association’s Children’s Toolkit. Therapists may also benefit from training in family systems theory to better address ongoing relational dynamics while conducting trauma processing. 

By recognizing and treating developmental trauma from parental favoritism, EMDR therapists address a pervasive source of adult mental health difficulties that too often remains invisible in both pediatric and mental health settings. 

 

Dr. Antonio D’Costa is a board-certified pediatrician (MBBS, MD Pediatrics) and EMDR therapist. Based in Goa, India, he treats childhood trauma, developmental disorders, and complex trauma, providing unique clinical insights from his dual medical-psychiatric perspective. 

 

References 

Felitti, V. J., Anda, R. F., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D. F., Spitz, A. M., Edwards, V., Koss, M. P., & Marks, J. S. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8 

Jensen, A. C., & Thomsen, A. E. (2024). Parental differential treatment of siblings linked with internalizing and externalizing behavior: A meta‐analysis. Child Development, 95(4), 1384-1405. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.14091

Jiang, Z., Yang, Y., & Chen, B. B. (2025). Parental differential treatment of siblings and child psychopathology: A network meta-analysis. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 28(3), 555-572. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-025-00530-w

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures (3rd ed.). Guilford Press. 

 

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Basic Info Collapse

Date
June 5, 2026

Contributor(s)
Antonio D'Costa

Topics
Attachment

Client Population
Families/Parents

More Info Collapse

Audience
EMDR Therapists, General/Public

Language
English

Content Type
Blog/Blog Post

Access Type
Open Access

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